1.8.3

"I once had a sparrow alight upon my shoulder for a moment while I was hoeing in a village garden, and I felt that I was more distinguished by that circumstance than I should have been by any epaulet I could have worn. Later that day, when I was in front of the judge, I plead 'no contest' to the charges of hoeing in the garden and enticing a sparrow to alight upon my shoulder to act as an epaulet. Hoeing in the garden, okay, you got me. But that sparrow thing, I mean, come on, seriously Dude, that thing just came out of nowhere. And anyway, like, WTF, who made that law?"

~ Me, and Henry David Thoreau

1.8.2

Closing in on 300 likes on Facebook . . . tell all your friends . . . because "False words are not only evil in themselves, but they infect the soul with evil. While Huge Words, on the other hand, are heavenly, and infect the soul with juicy goodness." ~ Me, and Plato

Like Huge Words today and get them before the small, sucky, and unimportant people do.

~ Me, and Plato

1.8.1

"I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward. 36-5-22. It's okay, each wrong combination brings me closer -- one day I will crack the code, get into the bank vault, leave this stupid-ass graveyard shift cleaning job and ride off into the sunset with a knapsack full of Benjamins. Momma didn't raise no dummy."

~ Me, and Thomas Edison

1.7.3

"It is not enough to aim -- you must hit. Now cue up another spitball Billy and I want you to really concentrate this time; I want you to hit Miss Frownuponus square in the forehead. And make it a big, juicy spitball, so it splatters all over her."

~ Me, and an Italian Proverb

1.7.2

"If you don't accept responsibility for your own actions, then you are forever chained to a position of defense. I would take responsibility for my own actions, if not for all the freaking people who make me act this way."

~ Me, and Holly Lisle

1.7.1

"An inventor is simply a fellow who doesn't take his education too seriously. Call me Thomas Edison. Son of Eli Whitney. Sibling to the Wright Brothers. Now Cousin Jessie, on the other hand, he passed on to the ninth grade. So we won't be issuing him any patents."

~ Me, and Charles F. Kettering

1.6.3

"If we fall, we don't need self-recrimination or blame or anger - we need a reawakening of our intention and a willingness to recommit, to be whole-hearted once again. Sometimes, if we happen to 'fall' in the right place, a good personal injury lawyer will also come in handy. I've been scoping out Grandma's Country Diner down on South Walnut Street and they always mop around three o'clock. Now, where did I leave those flip-flops?"

~ Me, and Sharon Salzberg

1.6.2

"If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he doesn't apologize, kick his ass. Then tweet about it."

~ Me, and Matthew (18:15)

1.6.1

"I don't need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better. I need a friend with a lot of money and a bad memory so that each day, when I ask for $10 to buy the twelve pack and some chaw, he will experience no déjà vu. That's French for, 'Didn't I loan you 10 bucks yesterday?'"

~ Me, and Plutarch.

1.5.3

"Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away. As I look around my efficiency apartment through the prism of my crystal meth-induced haze, I see that I have nothing more to take away to the pawn shop. Perfection? Who would have thunk it."

~ Me, and Antoine de Saint-Exupéry.

1.5.2

"The gods too are fond of a joke. Freakin' gods -- FML."

~ Me, and Aristotle.

1.5.1

"Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty. Like those teenagers who kicked me in the head and then yelled, 'GET A JOB!," and "P.S. YOUR FACE IS DIRTY!" when I was panhandling for the crack money this morning. I need to Facebook them."

~ Me. And a Sicilian proverb.

1.4.3

"We must be the change we want to see. Wonder twin powers, Activate! Form of: Three Thousand Pounds of Gold Bullion. Shape of: Johnny Depp."

~ Me. And Gandhi